It’s raining outside. I’m writing to you from the futon in my spare room, whilst leaning against some thoughtfully arranged cushions and pillows, with a blanket in arms reach and a hot chocolate on the way. I will add that I was literally carried in here by my boyfriend and unceremoniously dumped onto the pile of a few of my favourite things, and told that I am not allowed to leave until I have written something on my blog.
You may think I’m joking, but I’m really not. I put up a big fight; I dug my heels in (literally, but socks on veneer flooring don’t create much resistance), I called him a fair few names and I may or may not have bit him a few times. Alas, his brute strength won the battle, and here I sit.
It’s been three months since I last blogged and almost a year since Non-Zero November (where I wrote every day in November, even if it was just a haiku – read them here). Why haven’t I been writing regularly, you ask? Oh, there are so many reasons. 1) I got a new job. 2) I’m too tired. 3) I started watching wrestling and it takes up two to three nights of my week. 4) I think the Endometriosis is coming back and I need to stay warm and cuddled up so it doesn’t hurt. 5) I only have a few hours in my evening and want to spend them playing games and spending time with my boyfriend. 6) Those are all weak-ass excuses and I know it.
(I have my hot chocolate now, by the way.)
I haven’t been writing because I’m intensely lazy, which I’ve probably mentioned already in some crusty old post, way back when. If I don’t need to do it in order for things to keep trundling along, then I probably won’t, even if it’s to my own detriment. Unfortunately, I already have a full-time job, so I don’t need a blog as a source of income, meaning it gets placed to one side (never forgotten, however).
I’ve been gone from my old job long enough to say I really didn’t like it and it caused no end of heartache for me on a very regular basis – I genuinely thought it was the reason for all my sadness. It wasn’t. I have this great new job doing something I’m good at, for a company that cares, for a lot more money, but I still don’t feel complete. And I think I know why.
(Damn, this is a good hot chocolate.)
It’s difficult to put it into words because it’s more of a feeling, but I just want to be creative again. I would draw in my spare time as a child. I would play video games and talk about them or make-up stories about the characters with my friends. I would read books and think about my own imaginary worlds and the denizens. I would sing (badly) to songs and dance around by myself. And I don’t tend to do much of that these days. Adult life is too serious now and I hate it; between the hours of 8am and 6pm, I’m Corporate Carly and who the hell is she? I want to be Creative Carly. She’s a much better and happier person.
As always, I won’t promise that this is the start of a regularly updated blog, but I’ll try to keep it up. I’m planning on doing Non-Zero November again, so stay tuned for that shambles to emerge again. Between now and then (and some time after), you might see some more updates from me, especially if my boyfriend locks me in here again (curse you, lack of upper-body strength!)
(I finished my hot chocolate. Want another one.)