I sit at my desk, sipping my tea, savouring the warmth on my hands and my tongue. Tasting the hint of honey in the cardboard-coloured liquid, I feel proud that I have cut out the two sugars I used to have in each cup – the once welcome taste is now repulsive to me. I can’t remember the last time I bought a bag of sugar. A glance to my left, however, shows a bag of cookies and I feel shame.
I am no longer skinny, but definitely by no means fat. I still fit into size 8 (as long as they’re not brand new), and my waist is still nicely curved. Yet I feel uncomfortable when I look at myself in the mirror. It’s not healthy, but neither am I. Moving closer to my place of work may have improved my quality of life in the mental and emotional sense, as well as giving me more time to myself, but it’s made me lazy. Sitting at my office desk for 8 hours, sitting on the bus for about 30 minutes, twice a day and then sitting on my sofa for a few more hours in the evening is an awful lot of sitting each day. And I really love blueberry muffins. As such, tight t-shirts are out of the question, as my belly slowly swells over the years.
I can see that if I don’t do something about it now while I’m still slim, it will get out of hand and I will eventually accept it as my life. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be self-conscious about myself. Never daring to wear a bathing suit, or undress in front of my partner, or wear clinging fabrics was never a part of my plan and I will not let it get to that point.
For those of you out there that feel anger towards me for being unhappy with my body, I ask you to be understanding. If you’re happy with yourself, then I am happy for you. I am all for everyone to love themselves as they are, and I wish deeply that that were the case for all people, but it isn’t. I like who I am and am thankful for the experiences that made me the strong person I am today. But that doesn’t mean I also have to like my body right now, and I’m a strong advocate for changing something if you’re not happy with it. I don’t enjoy the tightness around my hips when I wear jeans that are a tad too snug or the stretch of a fabric around my small muffin-tops. So I’m going to change it.
When it comes to succeeding with your goals, it is said that stating your intentions plainly and openly for people to see makes it more likely that you’ll actually succeed. So here is my goal: to be happy with my body again. I’ve written it down, and I want you guys to keep me accountable for it.
I’m gonna get there by exercising. I don’t really have any spare money, so I’m going to do it with bodyweight exercises that can be done at home. I’ll start off slow, with a few gentle exercises (as I am hypermobile and shouldn’t jump straight in with the crazy stuff) and add in more reps and different exercises each week. I plan on keeping it up for a month and logging the changes and challenges I experience along the way.
As for food, I’m not going to change much. I have fruit and yoghurt or cereal for breakfast most mornings, so that’s not too bad, and my lunch and tea are normally pretty healthy. I am, however, going to cut down on the snacking (especially the sweet stuff).
If you fancy following my progress, follow me on here and Twitter. I’ll update occasionally and you can cheer me on!